Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents.” They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?”
There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 cents, please.”
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”
“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix ,” the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.”
“Wow! That’s some story!” one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?”
The bartender says, “They’re retired Naval Aviators . They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price…”
hahaha.
Do you, Ball or Brent remember the one about the chiefs and the JOs on the train?
No, enlighten us.
Found it in The Goat Locker:
A group of Chiefs and a group of Naval Officers take a train to a conference. Each Naval Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of Chiefs has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Naval Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Chiefs will finally get what they deserve.
Suddenly one of the Chiefs calls out: The conductor is coming. At once, all the Chiefs jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets.
The conductor checks the tickets of the Naval Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: Ticket, please! One of the Chiefs slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round.
For the return trip the Naval Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Chiefs didn’t buy any tickets at all.
After a while one of the Chiefs announces again: The conductor is coming!
Immediately all the Naval Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in. All the Chiefs leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last Chief enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Naval Officers and says: Ticket, please!
And the moral of the story.
Naval Officers like to use the methods of the Chiefs, but they don’t really understand them.
Played even better.
Excellent.
Well played sir.
Anyone got USN v USMC jokes?
Navy Officer: You know are part of the Department of the Navy, don’t you?
USMC Officer: Yeah, the Men’s Department.
um, Brent. . .
I didn’t say it was good or that I approved. That is all I got.
*
This isn’t a joke. This was a lecture at Quantico on Marine vs Navy rank.
USMC 1 stripe: Carried a rifle. Is responsible for engaging enemy to his front and supporting his fellow Marines around his fire team.
Navy 1 stripe: Rank upside down. Chips paint.
USMC 2 stripe: Fire Team Leader. Is responsible for the tactical deployment of his fire team, direction of its fire, support of surrounding fire teams.
Navy 2 stripe: Rank upside down. Chips paint.
USMC 3 stripe: Sergeant. Squad Leader. Controls the tactical deployment of 3 fire teams. Has his own local “personal” artillery in the form of the M-79 grenade launder. Answers to the LT in command of the platoon.
Navy 3 stripe: Rank upside down. Chips paint.
USMC 4 stripe: Staff Sergeant. Platoon. sergeant. Advises the LT on platoon matters ranging from administrative details to supply to tactics. Helps control the movement and deployment of the platoon.
Navy 4 striper: Rank upside down. Chips paint.
USMC 5 striper: The infamous “gunny”. Drives all matters enlisted in the company in the field. The Company Commander’s right hand man, seeing to administrative details, armament, resupply, discipline. Advises the Company Commander on all matters concerning the company.
Navy 5 striper: Rank upside down. Chips paint.
USMC 6 striper: The Top. Runs the company office and sees to all details needed to keep the company in the field.
Navy 6 striper: Rank upside down. Chips paint.
USMC 7 striper: Sgt Major. Neigh onto God (and that’s my personal experience, too!)
Navy 7 striper: Rank upside down. Organizes paint chipping details.
This is largely the reason there aren’t many jokes the Navy makes about the USMC and their delusions of relevance.
I got that lecture, too, Dev…Thanks for the refresher, and S/F. :-D
Yeah, but who gets them to where they are going? Hmm?
A USN, USMC, US Army, and USAF Officer deployed to a forward joint operations base in Saudi Arabia. They were assigned to share a tent.
A scorpion appeared and a discussion ensued about what to do.
The Navy officer said they should stop on it. The Army officer offered to smash it with the butt of his M4 carbine. The USMC officer said he would eat the scorpion.
The USAF officer asked where the phone was so he could call room service and have the maid turn down is bed and deal with the unsightly scorpion.
:-D
what’s the one with the different meanings of “secure the building?” USAF: takes out a mortgage. . .
A marine general, an army general and an navy admiral were discussing who has the toughest men one day.
The army general goes, “Alright, I’ll prove the army’s got the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!”
The private reports as ordered -“Yes sir?”
The general goes, “see that man over there? Kill him!”
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general goes “See? That man has balls!”
The marine general goes, “That’s nothing! Private get over here!”
The marine private reports, “Yes sir?”
The general goes, “See that man over there? Kill him and then yourself!”
Without blinking the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general goes, “See? Now that man has balls!”
The admiral says, “That’s nothing.” He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, “Hey seaman! Jump off that tower!”
The seaman goes, “Excuse me sir?”
The admiral repeats, “JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!”
The seaman replies, “F#$% you sir!”
The admiral goes, “See? That man has balls and he’s got brains too!”
*
I’ve read this post three times and unfortunately don’t understand a damn anything any of you are discussing.
Now… If we could only find Simon Templar again, I’m sure he could make me understand.
After all, we did have a lunch date at Cafe Mozart in Vienna a couple of years ago before he was transferred to an undisclosed location.
Sigh. I miss his presence and I’ve never even met him!
Ask your computer guy.
What a helpful remark. Thanks so much.
He’s a Marine, isn’t he?
An ISIS battalion is marching through the dessert. Suddenly a lone Marine steps up over a dune and waves to the ISIS unit, then steps back over the dune.
The ISIS commander sends a squad to deal with the infidel. The squad runs over the dune, there is sound of combat, then silence. Then the Marine again steps over the dune, waves, and steps back.
The ISIS commander sends a platoon to deal with the infidel. The platoon runs over the dune, there are sounds of battle, then silence, and once again the Marine shows up and does his thing.
The ISIS commander is now ticked. He sends the whole company to deal with this insolent infidel. The company races over the dune shouting “Allahu Akbar!”. Fierce combat noise ensues, then silence – and suddenly an ISIS warrior, wounded badly, crawls back over the dune and shouts to his brethren,
“GO BACK! GO BACK! IT’S A TRAP! THERE’S TWO OF THEM!”
The first flight of the day was two (2) versus unknown offensive counter air training mission into a target area ‘over the hill’ from San Diego to the restricted areas just north of El Centro. Fight our way off target and back to Miramar.
After the debrief we were flying the first leg of a cross country to Virginia with a stay overnight en route so as not to exceed our maximum crew day.
We shut down at the interim stop, grabbed the loaner car, and headed to the hotel in town. We got a military contract rate at a pretty nice place, threw our shave kit in the room and headed to the bar. We were one night and gone while flying a jet with no room for luggage so we rolled into the bar in our two hop flight suits.
My back seater got drug off in a conversation with some other guests and it was my turn to get a round from the bar. While I was waiting for the innkeeper to open another bottle of bourbon (we were putting a dent in the inventory) a very attractive lady stepped up to the bar. She was waiting for the bartender to return and I introduced myself. She asked if I was a fighter pilot like in Top Gun. I flashed the $0.69 grin and responded “Yes.”
I asked her what she did and then got an answer I wasn’t expecting. She said “Well, I am a lesbian. I love women’s breasts, their soft lips, their round hips, the way they smell, the way they feel…”. She ordered a glass of wine from one of the bartenders and left with a smile.
About the time the innkeeper got back with our double tall bourbon and cokes a pair of young ladies stepped up to order. Again the usual inquiry. “Are you a fighter pilot like in Top Gun?”
I handed the innkeeper a stack of bills and told him keep the change, thought for a second then smiled at the young ladies. “Well, I used to be a fighter pilot, but just found out I am a lesbian.” and sauntered off to save my RIO from whatever he had gotten himself into.
Not a military joke.
A traveling gent is at a bar in new town. After having a few and being deep in his cups, he asks the bartender which women might be up for some action. The bartender points out a couple of “ladies” and then tell the gent to not bother the beautiful redhead at the far end of the bar, “She’s a lesbian.”
The gent waves off the bartender’s advice and wanders down the bar. He sidles up to the redhead and asks her, “hey baby, how’re things in Beirut?”
Great joke, Dev.
There was a couple in Kissimmee, Florida fighting. They were discussing the proper way to pronounce Kissimmee so the wife tells the husband let’s settle this by going in this restaurant and asking a local.
Wife: Do you live here?
Local: Yes.
Wife: How long?
Local: 20 years
Wife: Would you please slowly and clearly tell my husband where we are.
Local: M c D o n a l d ‘ s.
Way back when I used to read the Reader’s Digest for the jokes. I think the sections were “Laughter is the best medicine” and “Humor in uniform”. They would pay for original jokes and I thought at one time of sending one in.
Does a bell hop uniform count?
Ok. Since this is the comedy thread, you guys need to watch this. You will love it – and not a single F-bomb.
https://biggeekdad.com/2011/11/the-three-little-pigs/