How to Run in 2016

We will now be bombarded with messages of hatred and bile, condescension and clucking by our betters in the beltway media. “How can X candidate even consider running? Why, she’s never even been a Senator/Professor/Community Organizer!?”
The way for any Tea Party candidate to run in 2016 is to absolutely own the experience argument. Experience in DC is bad. People who have experience are bad. DC is bad.
“I am not going to Washington, D.C. because I like the smell,” said presidential hopeful T. P. Victory, holding a toilet plunger aloft like a saber and rattling it menacingly toward the east coast. “I am going there to do a job that we’re all familiar with, and none of us particularly wants to do. But of the folks we have sent there so far, some seem to have disappeared, and some have decided to make the problem worse. The water is rising, and I’m afraid,” he paused for effect, “that’s not chocolate.”[mantra-pullquote align=”left|center|right” textalign=”left|center|right” width=”33%”]The water is rising, and I’m afraid that’s not chocolate!”[/mantra-pullquote]
“Now there are a few good folks who have fought a lonely battle. For them, I hope this remarkable tool, invented in America by the way, looks like the Terrible Swift Sword of a liberating cavalry! And for the rest — well, we have a job to do!”
“People say I don’t have the experience to run for office, much less serve. That’s a feature, not a bug. Remember in 2010 and 2011, we had a big debate about “a return to 2008 spending levels”? Now plenty of people would like you to forget about it, Democrats and Republicans alike, all “experienced in the ways of Washington”. That argument was one of the most clarifying moments we have had as a country — it showed the difference between what America thinks and what Washington thinks. Even when conservative champions extolled their plans to return to 2008 spending levels, those with “Washington experience” simply understood a whole lot that we didn’t understand out here. They understood that there woud be no cuts to over half of the spending, and only slight modifications to most of the rest. Well, we didn’t understand that, see. We understood that the Federal outlay would be in say 2012 what it had been in 2008. They understood that there were all sorts of exceptions — exemptions — allowances — carve-outs — special things, that would simply not be addressed as part of the spending cuts. Well why not? If the government spends money on t, it should be subject to spending cuts! Discretionary vs non-discretionary spending is a ruse! You say it’s a paltry difference, and they say you don’t understand. But you do! It is a SHAM! How can one Congress purport that it cannot bind the hand of future Congresses, but enslave generations of the future through this debt bondage? Well, in Washington DC, they have the experience to understand this. Out here, we don’t.” [mantra-pullquote align=”left|center|right” textalign=”left|center|right” width=”33%”]They understood that there were all sorts of exemptions — we didn’t understand that.[/mantra-pullquote]
“You send me to Washington, and I’ll have this plunger on my desk from Day One, and I will never begin to “understand” what they understand in Washington — that they know better than we do, that they are exempt from cuts, that they can make excuses in their offices and issue them to us as commands, as ultimatums, as denial of requests. We are not requesting anything. We DEMAND! And fortunately, for us, this is a Constitutional Republic, and if it still functions at all, our demands can be met by electing more of our own — people who are just as angry as we are, who are not ashamed to say it, who are in fact convinced that this righteous anger is the only thing that will save the nation from imminent destruction. Somebody like us. Somebody like me.”
“We’re not going to march on Washington with guns to confront the Domestic Enemies of the Constitution. We’re going to assault into the ambush, armed with these [waves plunger!], because we see the real problem. We can smell it from thousands of miles away, and we are surging in to clean it up! There will be nowhere to hide! Every line of spending is on the block! There is no amount of “Washington experience” that will save you now!”

You get the point.

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One Response to How to Run in 2016

  1. AvatarNanda Panjandrum says:

    With you, Shipmate, but where do we start? B-Z and Rawr!

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