Google Achieves Peak Ludicrous, Can No Longer Be Parodied

Goolag crop

As proof, see here. Now this memo is not real, we might say it’s ‘Fake but Accurate’, that is it faithfully reflects Google’s corporate position on life, the universe and everything* but it was not written by a Googler. How do we know this? well, there are a few tells:

First, the author’s name, Kevin Clark. Hell, might as well have a neon sign over your head proclaiming, “privileged white bread cracker scion of the hegemonic patriarchy and life time member of the Aryan Brotherhood”. No, real people of Google have monikers like Aishiwarya “wrath of Kali” Premji-Tata, and Alonzo Shaka Zulu Jr., and Mustafa ibn Abu al Doofus. In other words, genuine Google names are celebrations of multicultural, multi-grain, multi-orgasmic diversification!

Second, the guy is apparently a Catholic. Now, it’s highly unlikely that someone who engages in promiscuous, unprotected Christianity with multiple partners — i.e., Church — could ever get past the arbiters of right thinking and appropriate attitudes guarding the gates at Fortress Googlestein.

Finally, the author of this ersatz memo is entirely too forthcoming, acknowledging that the previous memo erred when it proclaimed Google “approves of free speech” when what they really meant was that Google must be “free to approve speech”. Now this is true of course, but you just can’t come out and say so. Rather you must offer vague, anodyne assurances that wrong think will not be permitted to harsh the collective mellow of the Google hive mind. Here is an excerpt from the real  corporate response to the offending manifesto:

  “Many of you have read an internal document shared by someone in our engineering organization, expressing views on the natural abilities and characteristics of different genders, as well as whether one can speak freely of these things at Google. And like many of you, I found that it advanced incorrect assumptions about gender. I’m not going to link to it here as it’s not a viewpoint that I or this company endorses, promotes or encourages.” —  Danielle Brown, Vice President for Diversity, Integrity and Governance

Note the last sentence, “I’m not going to link to it here as it’s not a viewpoint that I or this company endorses, promotes or encourages.” In other words, we don’t like this view point and neither should you because that would be evil and … Don’t Be Evil.

So Google has become an Orwellian black hole, sucking in analysis and introspection and judgment, and grinding them down into a singularity of GoogleThink. Despite all their money, it’s hard to see how an organization this hidebound and abstracted from reality can survive long term.

*’everything’ of course means the one thing, the only thing that matters — diversity

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18 Responses to Google Achieves Peak Ludicrous, Can No Longer Be Parodied

  1. 10 Cents10 Cents says:

    The “I won’t link here” makes the person a non-person. Where if the memo was some screed of how life as an aggrieved group is unbearable and thanking GooLaLa then the link would have been okay.

    No debate can be had because that is the only way you win. It is always doublespeak with these people. For diversity’s sake we are stopping an opinion from being heard. It is getting to the point that a man has to put on a dress to be heard.

    • Vald the MisspellerVald the Misspeller says:

      Good Morning Ten Pennies, how’s Monday going so far? And thanks for commenting on my weekend hyperventilation.

  2. MLHMLH says:

    I switched my search engine yesterday.

    • Vald the MisspellerVald the Misspeller says:

      Yeah, I use DuckDuckGo for most things and Bing for image search.

      • 10 Cents10 Cents says:

        You can’t fight a giant, guys. It is like questioning the dominance of CNN on cable. Remember Google knows where you live and has pictures. But just in case here is the link to duckduckgo.

        https://duckduckgo.com/

        • 10 Cents10 Cents says:

          I wonder how much money Google will lose from this. It is great advertising for the competition, isn’t it?

      • MLHMLH says:

        browser?

        • 10 Cents10 Cents says:

          What browser do you use, MLH? I have been using Brave.

          • MLHMLH says:

            Chrome. thinking about Brave or Vivaldi

            • Trinity WatersTrinity Waters says:

              In spite of political rationale for whatever browser, Chrome works with the least BS of any I’ve tried so far.

      • drlorentzdrlorentz says:

        I use duckduckgo.com for searches and tineye.com for image search.

  3. Trinity WatersTrinity Waters says:

    In spite of political rationale for whatever browser, Chrome works with the least BS of any I’ve tried so far.

  4. Trinity WatersTrinity Waters says:

    Google, along with many other entities, is in full protection mode against the DOJ. Statistical crimes are injurious to the large corporations. Hopefully, Trump will negate this need to protect against the current truism that imbalance of employment vs. demographics must be a crime of oppression.

  5. BrentB67BrentB67 says:

    I avoid all things Google. They are not to be trusted.

  6. AdministratorAdministrator says:

    So does Google, via employee Danielle Brown, now endorse the position that linking to something implies endorsement?
    Guulag, of all web entities, should know better.