Where To Retire

 You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where …

1.  You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2.  You’ve experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3.  You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4.  You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5.  You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6.  The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??


You can retire to California where …
1.  You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2.  The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3.  You know how to eat an artichoke.
4.  When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

5.  The four seasons are:  Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.


You can retire to New York City where …
1   You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2.  You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3.  You think Central Park is “nature.”
4.  You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5.  You’ve worn out a car horn.  (IF you have a car.)
6.  You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


You can retire to Minnesota where …
1.  You only have three spices:  salt, pepper and ketchup.
2.  Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3.  You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4.  Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5.  The four seasons are:  almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6.  The highest level of criticism is “He is different,”  “She is different,” or “It was different!”


You can retire to The Deep South where …
1.  You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2  “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3.  “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4.  Everyone has two first names:  Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5.  Everything is either:  “in yonder,”  “over yonder”  or “out yonder.

6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end!


You can move to Colorado where …
1.  You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2.  You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3.  A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4.  The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where… 
1.  You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2.  Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3.  You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4.  You end sentences with a preposition;  “Where’s my coat at?”


FINALLY you can retire to Florida where …
1.  You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.  All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3.  Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4.  Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5.  Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.



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35 Responses to Where To Retire

  1. EThompson says:

    Although I am not retired and will not be for another 15 years, I will put in a plug for Florida.

    1. The “blue-haired” lady image is history. My particular town in SW Florida enjoys a median age of 40. We have six grammar/middle schools and three high schools. I now feel like the eldest of the bunch.

    2. No state taxes.

    3. Property taxes range from 4-5% depending upon the county. (Do not live in Lee county- home of Ft. Myers- because you will pay for dysfunctionals. Stay in Collier County.)

    4. The doctor thing is good; I have a plethora of choices so that always makes me happy. And there is always Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville for top notch medical care.

    5. Pretty strict regulations about beach use; you must be a property owner and pay $250 a year to use it. The result? Immaculately groomed beaches and well-behaved people who are fined for littering and throwing cigarettes in the sand.

    6. Wealthy patrons living in my community have supported a world class symphony, two off-Broadway theatres, and a Saks, Nordstrom, JCrew, etc. that impresses even this ex-New Yawker.

    7. For food shopping; Fresh Market, Whole Foods, and even Publix is fabulously fresh with a huge asst.

    8. Restaurants: I love seafood and eat regularly on the bay feasting upon shellfish and dover sole.

    9. Beautiful flora and fauna. Even though I live ‘in town’ – so to speak – I enjoy exotic hibiscus, palm trees, orange blossoms, night blooming jasmine, and a koi pond. There are some salamanders and garter snakes roaming around, but I’ve learned how to deal with them. (If you’re PETA, don’t ask!)

    I probably shouldn’t have posted this because I want you all to “Stay off of my yard!” :)

  2. EThompson says:

    Yeah, but I continue to get grief from all my “cosmo” friends living in lovely and expensive Detroit and NYC who continue to express their amazement at my defection from my 900 sq. foot apartment in lower Manhattan (now sans the wonderful WTC towers).

  3. DevereauxDevereaux says:

    Just tell them to eat their hearts out.

    But I’m never moving to Florida, so you’re safe on that score. One less (potential) troglodyte in the neighborhood.

  4. DevereauxDevereaux says:

    Detroit! Who in God’s name would want to live there!

  5. 10 Cents10 Cents says:

    I just got here and Dev is hinting about retirement.
    Dev, did Brent make you write this?

  6. EThompson says:

    The waterfront overlooking Windsor, Canada is a hot location right now and many techies who attended Michigan are gentrifying the area and working hard to develop a Silicon Valley II. Michigan has an entrepreneurial governor- Rick Snyder- who is friendly with both Rick Scott and Trump and is giving corporate tax breaks and loans to small businesses.

    It’s all good. The 1930s architecture in the downtown area is truly magnificent and young graduates want to engage in an urban environment at least for a while.

    I remember graduating from college knowing that I had zero business opportunities in the Detroit area so I was ‘forced’ to move to NYC. That worked for me, but many people prefer to live in their home state.

    Snyder has been great and I like him for the very same reasons I like my guv and the Donald.

  7. TKC1101TKC1101 says:

    My retirement requires a few things:

    Decent Med Care
    Proximity to grandchildren
    Decent internet
    Ocean and Mountains
    Amazon delivery
    A good number of people who love the country.

    • EThompson says:

      These are requirements that we all have regardless of age. I have given a ‘thumbs up’ to Florida but my husband and I are absolutely in love with Arizona.

      Scottsdale; Sedona; Prescott are all lovely and unique communities. State taxes exist in AZ but are reasonable. I truly love this state.

      My only issue is that I’m a bona fide ‘East Coast’ girl and after living in the OC for 6 years, I truly missed that peculiar dynamic over on the Atlantic side.

      Don’t ask me to explain; it’s a “Je ne sais quoi.”

      • TKC1101TKC1101 says:

        I do miss a few things about the east coast, like Greek diners at 3 am and pizza, but after living in the west for the last 25 years, it feels awfully constrained. I really like driving thirty minutes and being in the big lonesome.

        • 10 Cents10 Cents says:

          What people may not know about Japan and I didn’t for years, It doesn’t take many minutes to get out of the city to a lot small farms and green.

    • Trinity WatersTrinity Waters says:

      Perfect. That’s why I’m in 97071.

  8. 10 Cents10 Cents says:

    I like Japan. It grows on you.

  9. DevereauxDevereaux says:

    I want to move to Texas. I want to have the right to own auto-weapons. And silencers. And whatever I want. And to drive fast.

    Would that I could convince my wife. BUT if my daughter marries soon and has a kid …. all bets are off. She lives in Dallas.

    • EThompson says:

      You need to talk with our resident Texas expert Mssr. LaRoche. I’ve traveled to the Lone Star State many times; unfortunately, I enjoyed Austin the most for its amenities and as MLR could tell you, that is one of the most liberal cities in the country. Lord knows what the property taxes could be…

  10. DevereauxDevereaux says:

    Been to Dallas, San Antonio, Brownsville and VERY BRIEFLY El Paso. Since my daughter lives in Dallas, I’m partial to there.

  11. DevereauxDevereaux says:

    Don’t think I could tolerate the liberals in Austin.

  12. blondieblondie says:

    You can only retire to North Carolina (Triangle area specifically) if you are a member of this blog. No more liberal Yankees, please. We are all full up, bless their hearts!

  13. Trinity WatersTrinity Waters says:

    I hit “reply” and my comment lands on Mars.

  14. Mike LaRocheMike LaRoche says:

    North Padre Island, Texas: a Lone Star paradise.

  15. RightAnglesRightAngles says:

    That was hilarious. Austin isn’t bad if you move where I live, which is Lakeway. People putt around the street in golf carts and everyone is a Republican. It was a forest of Trump lawn signs around here.

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